Lisa was student from NUS. During her second year, she enrolled in the student exchange program and got a chance to study in the University of California, Santa Barbara. In order to experience real American cultures, she decided to rent an apartment instead of staying on campus. Luckily, she found a single-room apartment that was only five-minute walk from campus. What’s more, she had a local girl as her roommate. Everything was perfect and Lisa was really excited about her new life.
Laura was Lisa’s roommate. She was a typical California girl – friendly and cheerful. After a few days, the two girls became very good friends. However, there was one problem between the girls. Laura had a boyfriend who lived in San Diego. Every Friday, her boyfriend would come to Santa Barbara to spend the weekend with Laura. Since Lisa and Laura slept in one bedroom, Lisa felt quite embarrassed to share one bedroom with a couple. One day, Lisa implied her feeling to Laura and told her she was from a more conservative country. Laura looked quite embarrassed. She apologized and explained that it was their culture. From then on, Laura never asked her boyfriend to stay overnight. Her boyfriend still came to Santa Barbara every weekend, but he could only stay for a few hours then had to head back to San Diego. Lisa was a bit sorry about it. She also felt Laura was not that close to her anymore.
If you were Lisa, what would you do?
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ReplyDeleteThis is a problem due to conflicting cultural practices by both Laura and Lisa. Obviously, being Asians, we tend to be more conservative.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if I were Lisa, I would have approached this issue more tactfully. For one, now I am in a society where my culture is no longer predominant. In addition, it would be selfish and rude if I were to directly request that her boyfriend refrains from staying with her during the weekend. But I also know, I need my privacy and would not want to feel entirely uncomfortable as well.
In this situation, it is always good to start to be open to alternatives and a compromise. It is not polite to expect the other party to adhere to our problem entirely. By doing so,in this case, the boyfriend will certainly hold some grudge against me and this,inevitably, will lead to a strain in my relationship with Laura.
It will be best if I talk to Laura about I feel and at the same time reassure her that I understand that this is the norm in her culture. Perhaps, by proposing that Laura tells me what time her boyfriend intends to stay over (so that I can plan accordingly) and possibly if her boyfriend comes once every 2 or 3 weekends, as opposed to every weekend, would be a better option. And obviously during the exam period, both of us will need the room to study, and hence it will be best if he does not stay over during those crucial periods. If a compromise can be reached, where both parties' interests are balanced, its possible to negotiate this conflict.
Afterall, I am on exchange and negotiating my way through these differenecs is a learning process to communicating effectively as well! And since I have established a good rapport with Laura, I am positive by reconciling and rationalizing our differenecs, this issue can be resolved.
-Prashant
Hi Xiaoyu,
ReplyDeletei believe Laura had distant herself from you due to the clashes in cultures between you and her. Besides, she might be in a difficult situation whereby she might need to accomodate you but at the same time needs to explain to her boyfriend that he cant stay over anymore. what you can do is that you may want to talk to laura again and collaborate on the issue. Since you are living in a foreign country, you may need to tolerate with the differences. instead of her accommodating you, you may want to compromise by allowing her boyfriend to stay over so that they may spend more time together but informing you beforehand.In this case, this may resolve the conflict between both of you and would put her in a difficult situation anymore between her boyfriend and her good friend.
I hope it may help to solve the prob.
Thanks
Gail
Hi Xiao yu,
ReplyDeleteIf I was Lisa, I would be happy to have made such a good friend in Laura, who was self-sacrificial enough to accomodate you by not asking her boyfriend to stay over anymore.
I like what Prashant and Gail suggested in reaching a compromise, to show Laura that you are "giving" too and not just "taking".
I would also try to bridge the cultural gap by talking to Laura more to learn about her culture and share some interesting information about my culture. Hopefully by gaining insight into each other's culture, cultural conflicts like these can be avoided.
Hope it helps,
Zhengyang.
Dear Xiaoyu,
ReplyDeleteI would agree with Gail that Laura might have distant herself from you due to clashes in cultures between both of you. Standing in the shoes of Laura, I might have done the same to in the process of being more cautious of my actions lest I result in more cultural clashes. I guess the distancing might be due to Laura's efforts to be more cautious of her actions.
Hence, if I were Lisa, I would agree with Zhengyang on making efforts to learn and understand more of each other's cultural background. By showing my interest in Laura's culture, it in a way helps to minimize Laura's act of cautiousness against me in seeing my willingness to understand and accept her culture.
At the same time, i would thank her for being so accomodating to discomfort and like what Gail and Prashant has suggested, offer a compromise. If I really don't feel comfortable, perhaps I can consider sleeping over at a classmate's place although that is not the best solution.
-Jessica
Like many fellow bloggers have mentioned, the issue here is the differing expectations of culture and social behaviour.
ReplyDeleteBeing Asian we tend to be less receptive towards Laura’s action and sound might even roll their eyes at it. We cannot simply lambast her actions just because we are not coming of the same context society as her. This is another source of communication problem and where misunderstanding can easily arise. Therefore we should be more receptive when we are interacting with foreigners and try to adapt to their cultural standing before making any complaints.
I think that maybe Lisa could have been subtler in her way of expressing her discomfort to Laura. She could have told her in more discrete ways (like during normal day-to-day conversations) or she can try to be more accommodating since she will only be there for the most 1 semester. If Lisa isn’t very comfortable to discuss such issue with Laura then maybe she just turn a blind eye by spending the weekend elsewhere with other friends she has made along the way in America. This might be a hassle but could be an option for Lisa to avoid an ugly confrontation.
All in all being in a foreign culture and land, we need to relay on effective communication even more. We need to ensure that our message is correctly transmitted to the foreigner party and minimize any forms of misunderstanding whenever possible.
Hope this helps.
Regards,
Wei Xiong
Dear fellows,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments. I totally agree with what you think. The problem is due to the difference in cultures. Laura must have pressures from both her boyfriend and Lisa. If Lisa could express her feelings in a subtler way, or if Lisa could compromise to some extent, things would be better.
p.s. I'm not Lisa..... lol